Honestly, I realize that I should expand my vocabulary beyond honestly, but it’s honestly just so hard to do so when I honestly am trying to be honest.
PS: As a disclaimer please don’t read this unless you want to, myself since I wrote it I probably know most if not some of the info and if not then who cares it doesn’t matter.
So I’ve been doing absolutely nothing for like 4ish days and I’m feeling pretty darn terrible so I’m writing something for myself so I don’t go crazy or whatever. I think learning happens through the contrast between failure and success. If I always fail, then I’m always uncertain on how to succeed, but if I always succeed I am unable to be inquisitive on how to further fulfill my values. I believe this means goal setting is particularly important. Success shouldn’t be so easily achieved, but I shouldn’t be set up for failure, either. A delicate balance between impossible and probable has to be achieved. I also like to keep goals personal. If I make the goal an outside one, like achieving a certain grade on a test, then that leaves me open to circumstantial uncertainties preventing me from reaching my goal. I like to look at how I do based on what I put in, not what I get out because the output is affected by so many variables that I, unfortunately, cannot control. Of course, if I want SMART(super methodic and really tiring) goals then I also need some way to judge my progress and for that… well I haven’t figured that out but I am thinking of creating a schedule and judging myself based on how closely I can stick to that schedule. I am unable to currently reach my goals because I don’t know what I value and how I should frame my goals to fulfill my values, don’t know how to make measurable goals that are personal, and I honestly feel stunted by having failed so often in so many things. Essentially, I need to find words that better fit the role of honestly for me than honestly, but it’s honestly quite difficult. I clearly should just go back to procrastinating the literal day’s worth of homework I have been assigned over break and marvel at how life can literally seem so dull during my consumption of mass media.
This post came about after a significant failure for me where I wondered if my shame could possibly equal the pain resulting from loss of senses, but the failure was objectively pretty small in the grand scale of things and I felt unjustified. I felt like I had worked kinda hard(but not that hard), but there were a lot of things that made my goal unnecessarily difficult and while I need to accept that I could have done better, I also need to realize that perhaps my goal was too open to corruption from the outside. (aka your test proctor is probably not taking their job seriously enough if they’re calling people while the test is going on, leaving the door open so all kinds of wonderfully loud traffic noises can seep in, and allowing students to sit within a foot of each other on connected tables)